Chapter 18 - The Prodigal Son

“Looks like we’ll just about make it on time,” Jude said, sitting behind the wheel of the Chevy, powering down the highway through the storm.

Tim didn’t answer. Sitting inside the narrow, metal box of the car made him feel uncomfortable, cut off from organic reality he's experienced in the mountains.

Jude glanced into the rear view mirror, then pressed down the pedal, and changed lanes while Tim fidgeted nervously.

Depressed, he looked out of the ran-splattered window at the twilight. The clear blue skies over the mountains had given way to clouds, gloom and mist. Through the rivulets of rain pouring down the windshield, he saw familiar warehouses, petrol stations. Fast-food shops and parked lorries on black asphalt flash by at hyperspeed.

Looking out at the constantly changing shapes and lights, he drew a sharp breath, fighting back a choking fear that his life was spinning out of control yet again.

The light inside him was dying down, the energy and bliss inside his soul was seeping away as he focussed on the outside world, the thousand things happening around him in the huge, dominating, absolute, omnipresent external world of images, signs and solid objects.

Certain that he was about to lose his new-found peace of mind, after all, his heart started to beat rapidly. Cold sweat broke out on his forehead.

“I just hope this works out, Jude,” Tim muttered.

“Sure it will. You look pale.”

“I feel sick.”

“Oh?”

“I feel like I’m about to make a big mistake. This speech to the church this evening is going to be a catastrophe.”

“Come on, Tim! Remember what Cormac said. The time has come for you to share what you’ve learned with others.”

“I don’t know if I have learnt anything. I just feel so nervous.”

“You’ll be fine, just fine. You always were a legendary preacher,” Jude said.

Tim took a deep breath, half closed his eyes and turned his attention from what was going on around him, back to the emotions and thoughts inside him.

“Yes, yes, this is what happens to people like me who don’t have enough inner strength, enough will power,” Tim muttered. “The wind blows and the candle goes out. That’s how it is. The storm of impressions from the external world is already blowing away my thoughts and cutting my connection with the source, and I haven’t even got to the church yet. And that’s where the real test will be. How will I be able to face all those people? Will Zack be there? And Arlen? Will they hate me? I have to stop worrying like this. I need to focus on the source or my old habits of thoughts will take over automatically. I’ll become just as dependent on others and what they think and just miserable as I was before!”

Tim took a deep breath, closed his eyes and began to say the Jesus Prayer.

"Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner."

The engine droned on in the silence, but the sound no longer disturbed him. He felt a light flare up in his soul as he repeated the prayer.

“Here we are!”Jude cried out.

Tim looked up and saw, indistinctly, through the blurred and distorted raindrops, among the isolated lights, the steel and glass spire of the Young Life Church soaring up into the stormy, dark sky.

At the sight of the familiar complex, the butterflies in his stomach started going again. Memories of his past humiliations and the scandal about his visits to Rob Owen flooded his consciousness. He felt nauseous.

“I’m never going to be able to manage to give a good speech,” he said to Jude, his eyes fixed on the church, looming ever larger in the windshield in front.

“Hey, where’s your faith Tim!”

Next, Jude halted outside the main entrance.
Other cars were driving up, dropping off people and driving on.

“What a crowd! Look! The car park is packed!” exclaimed Jude, getting out. “Looks like we’re going to have a full house tonight.”

Tim got out. He threw up his jacket collar against the rain, as he walked over the and up the steps into the brightly lit foyer.

When he saw the bronze corporate-like logo affixed to the wall, he was gripped by a terrible fear – a fear that his six months in the mountains would prove to be no more than an interlude before business resumed as usual. The foyer was packed. The noise, the lights, the music coming from the auditorium overwhelmed him. He blinked, confused.

A middle-aged woman wearing a baseball cap and a yellow rain coat turned to a middle aged man. She pointed at Tim, and then said in whisperr.

“That’s him! That’s the pastor who had gay sex with that escort, Rob Owen."

“Really? That’s Tim Leitner?" The man asked, amazed, looking at him.

"Yes. The one who took the meth?”

The couple stared. Tim swallowed hard, embarrassed.

He walked on across the foyer following Jude.

Two good looking men in their twenties with sideburns, college sweatshirts and chinos, who were standing beside a cold drinks dispenser in the corner, stopped talking when they saw him approach and stared at him with hostility.

James Hargreaves was standing in front of the doors to the main hall talking to Zack Montgomery.

Though he was wearing a crumpled grey suit, Hargreaves had an air of authority; his bearing was upright and military. As soon as he saw Tim, he walked up to him while his eyes inspected him from head to foot in an imperious way.

"And did you learn to be humble in those mountains, Tim?" James Hargreaves asked.

The faintest touch of amusement played in his blue grey eyes.

"That is not for me to judge," Tim said, stopping and smiling.

“True enough!” Zack Montgomery said and smiled sarcastically. “That is for the congregation here tonight to judge. Let them decide what to make of it all! Anyway, I'm delighted to see you looking so well. It's clear you had some fun.”

"Fun? Oh imagine the sheer delight of seeing a hungry bear! Or the sight of a snow storm engulfing a vast forest in which you happen to be lost after night has fallen!"

"Sounds exciting! I think you should spend another six months up there!" Zack cried, a hostile and mocking glint in his eyes.

"You're spoiling me. I've already got the coasters," Tim replied.

Next, Mary O’Driscoll rushed up.
She froze, looked at Tim with barely disguised horror, then turned to Hargreaves.

“Pastor Hargreaves, should we start now with our usual song or will you open the service?”

"I'm going to open the service tonight thank you, Mary, seeing as it is a special occasion with Tim Leitner set to speak, and seeing that so many people have come and the whole thing is going to be televised.”

Mary made a bow and hurried back into the hall.

“Televised?” asked Tim, nervously.

“Yes. We’re expecting a big number.”

Hargreaves straightened his jacket, and then said to Tim in a stern voice.

“When you’re given the signal, come onto the center stage and give your speech, okay? Tell us in your own words about your experience in the mountains. Tell us how you managed to overcome your lust for that male escort and your craving for meth.”

Without another word, Hargreaves turned and marched off into the hall.

“This way,” said Zack Montgomery, guesturing to Tim to follow him.

Ushered on by Zack, Tim walked on, through the doors into the dark hall. Three people stepped aside to allow him to pass.

“Well, if it isn’t our gay pastor!” an unknown voice sneered out of the shadows.

Tim's heart started to beat rapidly; his mouth was dry; sweat trickled down his forehead. He walked up onto the stage and stood in the shadows at the side behind Zack as he was instructed.

A spotlight shone on Arlen Pierce, who was standing at the front of the stage, a microphone in his hand.
"And now, here he is!" Arlen said, making a dramatic gesture with his hand. "The man who rescued our church after it was almost broken by scandal! A warm welcome for Pastor James Hargreaves!"

Next, James Hargreaves marched across stage, stiff backed and confident. A primeval roar ripped the roof. The noise was so deafening that Hargreaves could not speak.

“Pastor James! Lead us on! Lead us on!” the people cried out.

The spotlights zig zagged over rows and rows of people waving their hands.

Hargreaves stood on the stage, absorbing the clapping and the cheering, and smiled.
The huge TV screen showed his figure, magnified, as he stood on the elevated stage, in the bright spotlights, raised above the ordinary crowd, a higher presence.

After a few minutes, he stretched out his hand to command the crowd to be silent. The crowd instantly grew hushed. Hargreaves frowned and lifted his microphone.

"We all of us know how one of our pastors, Tim Leitner, fell into grievous sin,” Hargreaves boomed out as he took two steps to the very edge of the stage. “We all know how he chose to abandon God and his holy commandments and turn instead to lust and drugs. Pastor Tim chose to walk the way of darkness and not the way of light. He is with us here tonight at the invitation of our church so that you can all see what happens to a sinner. But first, I want Pastor Zack to tell you how the story of Tim Leitner affected him personally.”

Hargreaves stepped back. Next, Zack Montgomery walked onto the center of the stage. The crowd broke out into thunderous applause. Zack stretched out his hand. Pale and with sunken cheeks, his eyes glittered with strong emotions.

"Yes, I want to share with you how I felt when I heard that Tim Leitner was gay and had been going to see a male escort for two years behind all our backs,” Zack began in an excited, almost hysterical voice.

“I was in a state of shock, absolute shock," Zack cried out. "I couldn't believe the allegations. I was sure that Rob Owen, the male prostitute, was lying. I believed Tim Leitner when he denied any involvement. When it turned out that Tim was guilty of disobeying God, betraying the church and going his own way, of sodomy and gay sex and taking drugs, of lying and deceit, I felt a broken man."

There were whispers among the crowd.

"I believed Tim Leitner could show me the way to God. I put all my faith in him. I trusted him. I looked up to him as a son looks up to his father, and I was ready to obey him in every thing as Christians should obey their pastor without asking questions. But then it turned out that his virtue was more myth than reality; his faith was more hype than substance."

The murmurs in the crowd grew. Jack strode to the front of the stage.

"Yes, I was shattered to learn that he was gay – and paying for sex with prostitutes. I was shocked to hear that he had taken crystal meth. Just so that he could heighten the pleasures of his lust. I was shocked to hear that he fantasised about orgies with young college boys. I was shocked to learn that Tim Leitner was in fact a child of Satan!”

Next, Zack lifted up his hand and pointed at Tim.

“And there he is in person! The child of Satan! Tim Leitner!” Zack shrieked.

A spotlight swerved through the darkness and shone on Tim. Blinded by the light, Tim blinked. Next, he heard slow clapping, jeers, hisses.

“Yes, there he is!” Zack thundered, his face contorted with hatred as he pointed at him. “This is what Satan would look like if he came to us in human form. He would look like Tim Leitner there. Like Tim Leitner, he would pretend to be our friend, while really intending to trick and deceive us all."

The hisses and jeers grew.

"He would come among us looking like one of us but he would just be waiting for a chance to abuse our trust, to find us on our own in a moment of weakness so that he could satisfy his perverse lust on us…He would pretend to be our guide to God when he was leading us all the time to sin and doom!” Zack screamed in a high pitched voice.

There were boos.

“And we would all have been lost if God had not intervened and protected us from this evil lurking here among us! Thank’s to God’s merciful intervention, Tim Leitner was exposed for the disobedient, gay pervert and drug addict he is!”

The whole crowd started to clap and hiss and boo.

“Holy Smoke,” Jude muttered, shaking his head as he stepped up to Tim. “It’s getting mighty personal. Zack sure is whipping up the crowd!”

Tim swallowed hard at the atmosphere of hatred.

"God commands us to be chaste and self controlled," boomed Zack, “but Satan whispers us to give in to our lust and our perversions. We can all reject Satan. In the past six months, Tim Leitner has been in the mountains, sent there to reform his character because God is merciful and wants even Satan to turn and see the error of his ways if he is able to. But is he?" Zack asked, jabbing his finger at Tim.

"Do you know what it is like to spend six months up there in the freezing mountains when there is three feet of snow on the ground? It is hard, very hard. But is it enough to learn obedience and selflessness? Is even six months in the mountains enough to wipe away the mark of Satan when a soul has fallen in the devil’s hands? Well, let me tell you it isn’t! Let those who think that our sins can be washed away take a long look at Tim Leitner!"
Zack cried, walking up to Tim and standing in front of him, pointing at him with his right arm.

"Let anyone thinking of disobeying God and the church in secret like Tim Leitner be warned! Let anyone thinking of taking meth or other drugs to heighten their lust stop now. Because disobedience can never be forgotten or forgiven. Perhaps Tim Leitner thought that after six months, we would all have forgotten what he did? Perhaps he thought he could come back and abuse us all again. Perhaps he thought God would have forgotten his gross selfishness and indulgence! But God doesn't forget disobedience! God never forgets. Disobedience as grave as his can never be forgotten, not in six months, not in six years, not in six hundred years! Read it in the Bible. Disobeying God, betraying our church, going our own way, dooms us to hell for all eternity. I want everyone here to be clear about that. I have asked Tim Leitner to come here today so that you can see for yourself a soul steeped in utter darkness! I want you to look at Tim Leitner and remember never to sin again! Here is Tim Leitner! Let us hear what he has to say!”

The hall erupted in jeers, slow clapping and boos.

"Oh, my God!" muttered Jude, wiping his forehead, nervously. “Zack is really getting the crowd going!”
Tim swallowed hard as the level of noise rose to a crescendo

Next, Zack walked over to him; he seized him by the arm, handed him a microphone, and pulled him with him across the stage. Before Tim knew it, he found himself standing on the center of the stage. Zack turned and walked away.

“Child of Satan! Child of Satan!” the crowd chanted over and over.

The noise was so thunderous it rang in Tim’s ear. He choked back terror. The brutal spot lights blinded him. He heard the jeering voices filled with hatred: and felt negative energy lashing him from all sides.
“Leitner is a Satan! Leitner is a Satan!” voices chanted.

Tim peered into the sea of darkness full of dangers and threats. He lifted his hand to show that he wanted to speak. The jeering grew louder. He swallowed hard at the negative energy directed at him from all sides.

“O, God, help me,” Tim breathed. “Help me to stay calm! Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on us, sinners."

Next, a light flared up in his soul. He felt a stream of energy, a force, a confidence, a strength, a courage flow through him. He took five steps forwards to the front of the stage. He looked down at the crowd with a clear gaze.

"Dear friends," he began in a steady voice.

The chorus of jeers swelled to a crescendo.

"Get him off!" someone shouted. “Satan’s child!”

Tim tried to speak, but the volume of abuse drowned out his words.

Jeering erupted. The spotlights swept the crowd. There were rows and rows of people who shook their fists at him, their faces contorted in hatred.

He waited a couple of minutes for the crowd to grow quiet and then said in a clear voice into his microphone.

"I’m just like Pastor Hargreaves and Pastor Montgomery have said. I'm an example of what happens to any human being who loses sight of God. Like Pastor Hargreaves just said, I fell into sin of the worst kind. I was filled with lust and greed. Worse, I was a hypocrite and liar. I betrayed you all by pretending to be greater, more virtuous, more holy than I was. I incited hatred against my fellow human beings. I incited hatred against people who had gay sex even thought I was having gay sex. And yet I stand before you today not as a sinner but as someone who has been saved."

"I stand here before you today like the prodigal son who has experienced the boundless love of God, who can forgive even a man was wretched and mean-minded as I was. God had showered me with many blessings. But did I show any gratitude for them? No! I did not appreciate my life, my family, my children and job. I did not appreciate what I had. I did not appreciate the chance God had given me to know him better, appreciate the great wealth that knowing God might have brought to my soul.”

The jeering grew less.

“Yes, I lived only for myself and the satisfaction of my desires and ambitions,” Tim said in a loud voice as he stood in the center of the stage in the hot spotlight.

“These were many, many, many indeed. I wanted admiration: I wanted power: I wanted prestige. And I wanted a thrill. I wanted sex with another man. My mind was filled with lustful images of rolling around in a bed with a handsome man. These images haunted me day and night. Then I decided to act to satisfy my lust in reality and not just to dream about it in my fantasy."

There was silence in the hall.

"Four years ago, I left my beautiful home, my family and my church and I drove down to Denver, down into the side alleys of the city and I looked for a man I could pay to satisfy my lust. I felt no shame. I never took responsibility for what I did. I had a thousand excuses for why I did what I did. I was exceptional, special. I knew best. I was such a dedicated pastor and loved God so much it didn’t matter if I lied and deceived everyone, that's how I justified it to myself."

Tim said, and blinked seeing his image magnified on a huge screen.

"Yes, I lived in delusions. I did what I wanted and then sought a justification for it. I was Tim Leitner, a successful pastor, with a salary of over six million dollars a year, and I believed I deserved a reward, so I thought, for my sacrifice and effort and my reward was to go to a male escort and take meth. In my own mind, I reasoned like this: I work hard, struggle and work for a greater ideal, and I have the right to cut corners and to experience some thrills if only for an hour every month. Yes, I went down to Denver and for 300 dollars I satisfied my lust with a gay escort and for 200 dollars I got drugs to heighten that pleasure. I turned him, a child of God, into a tool for the gratification of my flesh. I did not see in him a human being at all. I was obsessed with getting my thrills no matter what it cost others," Tim said, wiping the perspriation from his face.

"Then, the world found out. What did I do? I lied. I deceived you all, claiming I was innocent. I lied to myself too. I kept on justifying what I'd done to myself. When the evidence came out, what did I do? I stayed in my house, a prisoner in my own four walls, too afraid to go out and face the disappointment and heartbreak of those around me," Tim said, wearily, as he walked across the stage.

"You all know what happened next. The church board intervened and I was sent into the mountains. There, unexpectedly, I found refuge with a great man, a man with a great and loving spirit. He helped me to disciple myself and my desires and my lust by giving me a vision of how great I could one day become if I followed the spiritual path that human beings have followed for centuries to find God. I was so miserable, so desperate that I was willing to start all over again, to go right back to the basics. I learned to discipline my thoughts and lift them out of the murk of lust and greed and focus on my spirit. I learned how to stop identifying with my physical body -- with these hands, these limbs, these eyes here -- and with my ego – my vanity, hopes and fears -- concentrate instead on my innermost self and on awakening my inner life, my inner light, my inner love. I learned how to look inside myself and awaken my spiritual self. I learned how to make contact with God using the old meditation techniques and the prayers that have been used for centuries by people who seek to know God that Cormac taught me. I learned to say the "Jesus Prayer" over and over until it came naturally to me.
"I soon realised that God had an inexhaustible supply of the water of wisdom and divine bliss ready to give to me and that there was no need for me be dying of thirst. Yes, I drew my energy away form my six senses and away from the physical world and spent my days concentrating instead on the spirit inside me and the great kingdom of bliss inside me.”
Tim paused to wipe away the beads of sweat that trickled down his forehead. The hall was hushed.

“I prayed to God to help me. I put all my faith in God. I turned to him because I did not know where else to turn. And God was there. He helped me, a man who had indulged in the ugliest of thoughts and also of actions, a man who tried to hide his actions behind lies, a man who tried to make out he was better than he was, who tricked others, a man who had hurt not only himself, but every one else, a man who had been arrogant and ignorant, hard and unfeeling to others, to their pain and their needs and their suffering, so ignorant I was not even aware of how blind, deaf and dumb I was. I lived like this and, of course, I felt desolate. I gave nothing to others in terms of genuine love and understanding. Of course, I felt isolated and empty. My mind was darkened with lust and greed, and the darker it became the more lust and greed I felt, because satisfying these animal instincts gave me a thrill for a hour that helped me forget how miserable I was. I was in a downward spiral like many addicts."

"I didn't have the strength to find my way out of the hole I'd dug for myself into of my own free will. In the end, I was like one of the walking dead. I had everything. I had power, money and prestige. But inside I was dead. I was too vain to admit to others how miserable I felt. I was too eager to cut a good figure to admit any weakness to others. But God rescued me. He showered me with spiritual insights so that I soon found myself living like a prince or a king, enjoying the stunning world we find ourselves in, and able to savour the precious gift of being alive with limbs and arms and eyes to see, hear and touch and move and act. It was God who helped me. He took me by the hand like a father who loves his child," Tim said, blinking in the blinding spotlight.

"When I think of what I have experienced, then I can compare my story with a story in the Bible, a story, I think, most of you know. It is story of a son, who does now know what is good for him. He thinks that what is good for him is not living in the harmonious and loving atmosphere of his father’s house. He thinks that the world out there, outside his father's house with all its pleasures and glamour is where he will find true happiness."

"He goes to his father and he tells him he wants to leave his home and set off into the world, and asks for his share of his inheritance. The father is sad, but he knows he cannot stop his son. Each person must learn painfully from their own experiences, must learn through the bitter trials of their own mistakes," Tim said, as he rolled him his shirt sleeves.

"Anyway, the father gives his son the money he asks for. The son leaves his house full of hope and expectation, sure the world out there is exciting and glamourous and determined to enjoy all the fleshpots of the city. He indulges his every desire and whim. He gets in with a fast crowd, and gives himself up to lust, drink and drugs along with the rest of them because he think it's cool. And slowly but surely, his wealth – the spiritual inheritance that his father has given him – is depleted. He slides down. All too soon, he finds himself at the end of a strength, a crushed, broken person, in a pig sty with nothing to eat, no not even the husks for the pigs!" Tim cried, striding to the front of the stage.

"How many of us live like pigs in a pig sty without even husks to eat? I did!" Tim cried. "I lived in mental pig sty. I had a house in a nice suburb that cost 1.5 million dollars, but that didn't matter because my mind was a pig sty and when I was at home in it, I had nothing to eat except thoughts about sex and drugs, money and fame. I had no nourishment for my soul, not even the husks left."

"When Rob Owen told the world the truth about my actions and I had to face other people, there were no husks for me there. There was nothing in my soul to give me strength. I fell into a depression. I even thought of suicide. I had lived for the good opinion of others, and when that went, I was stripped of my last prop. There was nothing inside me to sustain me apart from vanity and pleasing the crowds and enjoying my pleasures. Nothing. Nothing. I felt fear. Fear of myself. Fear of others. Fear of life itself. I went up into the mountains and on my first night I felt such fear."

"I had no choice but to look for a bigger reason to go on living than my own selfish desires. I turned to God because I didn’t know what else to do. I think anyone who has been in despair, turns to God. Only people who have never experienced despair, think there is no such thing as God. That's the way it was with the prodigal son. In the pig sty, in the empty, desolate place where he lived, his thoughts turned to his father and to the peace and joy and abundance of his old home. And the son finally decided to swallow his pride, admit he#d got it wrong and set off on a journey back home, a long journey, not even sure his father would welcome him. But what else is there to do? When the world and its pleasures and its business proves to be bankrupt, what else is there to do except to go in search of God?” said Tim, blinking in the glare of the spotlights.

“Like the prodigal son, I set off for my home, with an intuition I could not account for, that I would find the peace I longed for, a spark inside my soul, if I tried the "Jesus Prayer,” he continued, walking slowly up and down the stage.

“Like the prodigal son, I set off for my father. And as I turned to him and said teh "Jesus Prayer", I felt afraid. I knew I was not worthy of his love. I had lied and I had deceived others. I had lived like a pig in a sty. I had squandered my talents and I had dissipated the life force inside me, the energy given to me, to build up my personality, my heart and my soul. I was not worthy. And yet I turned to him and asked only to be in his presence again, just to be in his presence again, to rest from the torment of my mind. And what did my father do? He showered me with richness and wealth, with gold and abundance. He gave me inspiration, energy and insight. He brought me back to life. He brought me to see his presence is everywhere in our world, in me too, and in everyone. Did I deserve such love? No, I didn’t," said Tim.

"I didn’t deserve it. I had carried within me darkness and a kind of death. But my father ran towards me and covered me in a new cloak. He sat me down and bathed my feet and he gave me a banquet to eat. He treated me like a king. And I felt I was a king for the first time. And so are you. You are also kings and queens," Tim said. "You are also on a unique journey through life, with a unique purpose, a unique talent and a unique contribution to make. Each one of you has your own tests and trials to pass."

"We are all on a journey through life, learning all the time. We are all looking for our way back to our home. We all make mistakes. We take wrong turnings. We head off in the wrong direction. We wander off heading for palaces that seem to glitter like gold but that turn into a pig sty as soon as we get there. The shimeras of power and prestige and money and lust tempt us. There are some who never go down those roads, though. Like the eldest son, they remain set in their ways. They enjoy a life of peace and joy. But many of us set off like the prodigal son and soon find ourselves in trouble and all alone with no one to help us. But our father is always there for us, always waiting for us. As soon as we admit our mistake and start to make our way home, he is there to welcome us back to our home…”

Tim paused. There was silence. Everyone in the hall was listening to him. Even Arlen Pierce and Mary O’Driscoll were listneing to him.

“When my Father wrapped the cloak around me and sat me down to my feast of bread and wine, I knew then that actually I had nothing to do, but sit at the table, stay here in his presence, and experience endless bliss. I saw that I had never in reality lacked anything. I was never a beggar as I had thought I was, always lacking this or that, in need of this or that, longing for this or that drug or thrill. I had never never needed to go in search for pleasures. Inside my soul and my heart and my spirit was the feast and the banquet. I was in my spiritual self perfect, whole and full of abundance of energy and inspiration and bliss. My Father with his act of love, showed me I was a king in a glorious world. I was in paradise. With an act of love, He broke the chains of egoism and delusion that had shackled me.”
“Now I hope you can learn from me. Learn from my experience that if you leave the endless fountain of love that is inside you, that is God inside you, in search of the admiration of other people, or in search of money or power, you will find yourself in the desolate wastes of the soul where all pleasure and power and money loses its taste. But there is always a way back, there is always a way back to true love, to bliss, to your true home where you can be your self and from that solid center build up good relations with others based not on neediness but on genuine mutual respect. You don’t need money, a career or power. You don’t need any one to admire you. You don’t need any one to approve of you or give you permission. You are a king and a queen. Each one of us can go back to our Father as long as we want to because the love of our Father is boundless, limitless. He will not judge us, condemn us for our sexual immorality, gay sex, abortions, fantasies of sexual misconduct, drinking and drugs, our greed, jealousy, our ambition, our egoism. He will let us back into our home. He will sit us down at the banquet of life, of spiritual life. He will not make us feel guilty or small. He will not calculate and measure out what we deserve. He will give us more than we deserve out of the abundance of his love."

But do we? Do we give that love to others out of the abundance of our heart? Every person here knows that a life without love is not worth living. Every one here knows that no child can grow up at all without the love of a parent and I mean the real love not the manipulative kind. No adult can lead a meaningful and full life without the experience of love. In love we are happy. And love is everywhere.
Nowhere in the Gospels, does Christ mention abortion or gay sex or war to defend the Christian nation. He talks not about Christian nations about about Christian people. He talks about individual souls and the kingdom of God in those souls. He talks about the love we have to feel in our spirits. It is the love that we feel, the compassion and generosity of spirt that we show to others by our actions, that makes us his children. It is the good actions that we perform every day to alleviate suffering and pain, to create peace and joy, that distinguish God’s children from the hypocrites. Nothing else. Now I stand before you today, a free man, free in the knowledge that God loves me as I am, that God accepts me as I am as long as I keep trying, that God will always help me as long as I meet him half way, that I have everything I need to be happy and complete inside my spirit and that I don't need to go in search of other people or other things to give me that happiness that I crave. For the first time in my life, I am able to love myself because I know and feel how much God loves me. Before I was always running away from myself, afraid to look at my true self myself in the mirror. I hated myself, avoided myself, averted my gaze from my dark self, I thought love was outside me but not in myself. In myself there was only darkness and fear and shame. Now, there is light and happiness, compassion and freedom inside me.
I know that God will also rush to meet you half way too if any of you out there are suffering as I suffered from my own blindness and obsessions and ambitions, caught up in your own web of delusions and deceit and greed, and search for him. He will fill you too with bliss and joy. He will heal your wounds, your lack of love by pouring love inside you as he healed me. He will heal your doubts and loneliness by pouring his sweet compassion into your hearts as he poured it into my heart. You will feel full, so full you will need nothing else to be completely satisfied except to be in his bliss forever.
So you see, what seemed to me at first to be a total catastrophe, destroying my life, turned out to be the best thing that ever happened.
Thanks to Rob Owen, I found the way back to God. Yes, thanks to him, I was forced to confront the depths to which I had sunk. I was forced to give up my delusions. Lies and justifications. I was forced to come to terms with who I had become. It was hard, it was tough, it was painful. Thanks to Cormac I was able to make that journey. I was able to find a new way forward to light. Now I am back in God's warm house, like the prodigal son, enjoying his great company .
All I can say to you is that it doesn't matter what anyone of you in this hall have ever done. It doesn't matter what sins you have committed -- and we have all done things we are ashamed of though few, if any of you, will have done anything as bad as I did -- you will always find God ready to embrace you and love you if you sincerely look for him, if you are really ready to change. It doesn't matter how far you have gone from the right way, how far you have wandered from the light, as long as you resolve to change your ways and stay in God's love and keep on trying, he will be there.
In our society, there are many traps for us. We are taught to think about grades, careers and salaries not about ourselves. We are taught to be obsessed with what others think, not with our own feelings. We are desperate to impress others and only feel we have some value when we do. We agonise about what other people think about us. We want to measure up to their expectations. We want to be loved by others. But I have learned it is more important take the time instead to love yourself, to know yourself with all your faults and weakness. Take the time to respect yourself, to value yourself and appreciate your strengths and greatness as well as your weaknesses. You know, you are great. Great in your insight, your compassion, your integrity if you chose to be. That is greatness in my view.
It is not true that you are only great if you have a big house, a big car. These things are trinkets, trivial. You are great just by virtue of being a human being, potentially like Jesus Christ, Buddha, Mohammed, Einstein, Shakespeare, Martin Luther King. Each one of you has the potential to be as great as any of these prophets or genius him or herself. Read the Gospels: Read about how Christ believes we will grow up to become like the Father, like him!
Respect yourself! Know that God loves you, loves you , yes, he will always loves you more than you could ever imagine. Knowing that he loves us, experiencing his love, we will have the strength to lead lives of integrity and to be sources of inspiration and hope to others. That’s how it should be! It is our relationships that bring us happiness. It is a clear conscience that makes us fearless.
Never think that you can't do this, or do that, Never think of yourself as a nobody. Whatever you make up your mind to do, you can do.
God is the sum total of everything and he is within you. He can do anything and so can you if you learn to identify yourself with his inexhaustible nature. You will soon experience the ecstasy of his love, the treasure of his love. It doesn't matter how often we forget it, the fact is we are divine. It doesn't matter how often we slip up, we just need to make a choice to know God, and he will reawaken us to bliss, wealth, wisdom and eternal life. I learned that through the Jesus Prayer. You might have another way. But God is there. His love is real. That is all I wanted to say to you.”

Tim stopped. There was silence. Next, someone in the audience started to clap. Then, there was a cheer. The whole hall burst into applause. The whistling and cheering and clapping became thunderous.
Tim felt a thrill run through him. An adrenaline rush. Fantasies of appearing on TV flickered before his eyes; he saw TV presenters humbling bowing down to him. But next moment, he remembered that he had a higher power to thank for inspiring him at the right time.


As he walked off the stage, he saw the happy, beaming faces looking at him from all sides, and he was pleased that he had given people an positive experience. Mary O'Driscoll came up to him and pressed his arm sympathetically.
"A great sermon, Tim," she said, then rushed onto the stage followed by the other members of the band.
"Fantastic, Tim," said Arlen Pierce, coming up with a shining face. "I was so moved by your words. You must tell me more about your experiences up there in the mountains."
"Sure, sure, Arlen, I really appreciate your support," Tim said, smiling.
Next Jude slapped him on the back.
"Wow, Tim! Cormac would have been proud of you.”
Tim smiled.
"You know, I think he would have been," he said. "But I'd better be careful, or I'll be getting all puffed up with pride yet again. That was my downfall last time. Humble! Humble!"
“Yes, yes!” said Jude, laughing. “The huff and the puff is the downfall of many of us!”