Chapter 7 - Tears of Repentance

“What an interesting guy that Seth Wright is!” Tim said smiling broadly as he stamped his boots, caked with snow, on the mat.

“Honey, got to run,” Cindy said, putting on a silver padded jacket. “My Bible class is starting in 20 minutes.”

Cindy gave him a kiss on the cheek and put on her wollen hat,

“Oh, and I baked some cookies for you, honey. There’re in the cookie jar. Please don’t take the jar marked Christmas cookies. They’re for a charity event!”

“Sure, hon. Have a good time!” Tim said.

“Thanks!”

Cindy grabbed her gloves, handbag and car keys and hurried out.

Bending his fingers at the joints, Tim pulled down the zip of his jacket, all the time thinking about the friendly way Seth Wright had come up to talk to him during the a brunch. Exuberant fantasies of what the future might bring swirled through his mind as he hung up his jacket. He walked over to the cookie jar and took out one. He was munching on a chocolate chip cookie, when the phone rang.

After quickly swallowing the cookie, Tim picked up the receiver.

Arlen's voice boomed out.

"Tim! Is that you?”

"Hi, Arlen! What's up?"

"I've just been talking to Rob Owen, Tim."

Tim’s stomach flipped over in a somersault. He felt sick.

“Rob Owen?” Tim breathed out.

“Owen played me a voice mail. You can be heard distinctly asking him to get some crystal meth …"

"Me on the voicemail?” he asked, his voice rising, incredulous. “What? I mean, how can that be?"

“I don’t know but I’m a hundred per cent sure. It was you asking Owen for the meth. I recognised your voice immediately.”

Holy guacomole! Tim started hyperventilatin, realising he must have made a slip up, after all.

"I don't understand, Arlen. It must be a fake,” Tim said, struggling to put on a voice of pseudo-cheerfulness.

"It isn't, Tim. The voicemail has been authenticated by experts from the police department. Owen has given it to the media. Seems he didn't like the way you went on TV, and denied it all and made out that he was the one who was a liar."

Tim stood there, rasping, suffocating. He closed his eyes, tried to gather his splintered thoughts. Should he admit the truth? If so, how much of the truth? Or just stick to denials? And hope for the best?

"It's not true, Arlen."

“It isn’t?”

Arlen’s voice was as hard and mistrustful as granite. Tim realised there was no point in further denials. Damage limitation was all he could hope for now! He changed tack.

“Okay, okay, I might as well come clean. I did have contact with Rob Owen, I called him and asked him to get me some meth.”

"So you're admitting you had gay sex with him?"

"No!"

"Oh?"

"Look, I did call Owen and ask him to get me some meth, but I never had sex with him.”

"And you expect me to believe that?"

"I'm telling you the truth, Arlen," stammered Tim.

“I don’t get it. If all you really wanted was meth, why did you go to Owen? I mean he's a gay escort."

"I went to a concierge at a hotel and I asked for a contact for some meth. He gave me Rob Owen's details. I rang him and arranged to get some meth."

"So you've been scoring meth regularly?"

"No, no! I changed my mind. I didn’t take the meth. I was curious. I wanted to try some meth. I rang Rob Owen. I got some meth from Owen. But then I threw it away.”

"You threw the meth away?"

"I changed my mind. I didn't take it. I decided it was wrong and dangerous…"

"Look, you can take me for brainless if you want to Tim, but…"

"I swear I never touched the meth, Arlen!"

"I'll give you ten out of ten for persevering in your lies. Yesterday you didn't know Rob Owen at all, and now you're admitting you bought meth from him, but only after he produced a voice mail."

"Okay, okay. I admit I took the meth," said Tim, feebly. "But I didn't have sex with him."

"No? Then why go to a gay escort? Why not just go to any drug dealer?”

"I had a massage.”

"A massage?"

"Nothing more. Really, Arlen, it was just a massage. I was feeling stressed and I rang Rob Owen for a massage and asked for some meth to unwind."

"Hold on! Now you're admitting you had a massage with this guy, this gay escort, Rob Owen?"

"There's a big misunderstanding concerning massages.”

“The big misunderstanding, Tim, is that you think I'm a total idiot.”

“I swear, Arlen, I never had sex with that man.”

“So you want me to believe you went to a gay escort for meth and a massage, but not for gay sex?”

"Okay, okay. I admit we had some contact."

"Be specific!"

"I had some...ermm... physical contact"

"Over a game of chess? What physical contact? Come on, Tim. Come clean."

"There was some sexual contact."

“So you are admitting, after all, that you had sex with Rob Owen?”

"No, no."

"What then? What did you do? Hold hands?”

"We…we…touched…"

“That's enough! I've heard enough, Tim, to be convinced you went to this guy for sex and you’ve been lying to us all,” boomed Arlen down the line. “You know our church has issued a clear code of conduct…”

"I know, I know."

"Homosexual conduct of any kind is banned. "

"Yes, yes."

"So is cheating on your wife, lying to all and sundry and taking drugs and other mind altering substances such as meth."

"I just took a bit and then threw it away, Arlen, I never took it really."

"Don't get me onto the subject of that meth again, Tim! I'm tired of hearing your lame excuses."

Tim’s lip quivered.

“And you paid him?”

“Yes, I paid him 250 dollars …and 175 dollars for some meth.”
“How long has this been going on?”

“Two years….”

“Is there anything else I should know? Any other men?”

“No.”

“I can’t tell you how disappointed I am, Tim! You know how many people looked up to you. They saw you as a man inspired by God. Your sermons were the highlight of the week for many folks here in Colorado. And not just here. All over America.”
“I’m sorry…”.

“What’s worse, lots of young people come to our church just to see you preach, Tim,” said Arlen. “They hero worship you. They look up to you as an example of how to live good adult lives. They see so many miserable, broken people around them, so many people who can’t cope, who’ve thrown in the towel. They need role models. Instead, of living up to your responsibility, Tim, you have actually hurt their dreams by giving them a shocking example of lust, lies and hypocrisy.”

“I know, I know."

“I don’t think you do know what you’ve done,” growled Arlen. “As far as I can see you would have gone on seeing Rob Owen as long as you could have gotten away with it. You even went on camera and lied to millions of people! There was no sign that you were willing to take responsibility for your actions.”

“I couldn’t stop myself, Arlen.”

“What do you mean you couldn’t stop yourself? Every day, men exercise control whether they’re homosexual or heterosexual because they know they can’t live out every impulse, especially not if they’re married and have children. Anyone who looks around them at our society today can see how the energy of sexual desire is destroying family life and even society, and particularly the bodies and the minds of young people because it is not being managed properly. People who give themselves in to unhealthy sexual obsessions fostered by the New World Order media and our whole consumer-orientated society open themselves up to the risk of getting diseases of all kinds, not to mention the risk of emotional and physical abuse or even of rape and other crimes. Yes, too many people in America today spend the best years of their lives obsessed with empty sex instead of devoting that time to developing their talents and their ability to be loving, adults capable of responsible relationships, work and family lives, and capable too of changing society for the better. The elite is only too happy if people are on a course of self destruction. They can get away with all their crimes because everyone is too busy to notice!"

“I know, I know,” Tim muttered. “What I did was terrible. I’m just beginning to understand how terrible it was now…”

“I bet!” boomed Arlen “People come to our church because they have an inkling that sex, drugs and drink is not enough to make them happy or fulfilled. They come when they lose their job, their home, and when their marriages break down. They come to find friendship and support in a cold and materialistic world full of brutality and violence. Yes, people come to our church hungry and thirsty. They come worn down with the stress, the pressure and the soulless cruel absurdity of American today. They come craving nourishment, craving truth. They come looking for a place where they can build solid relationships based on honesty and good will. They want a place where they won’t be exploited, where there is no hidden agenda, where sexual or financial favours are not the currency. Now, I know our church isn’t perfect. I’m the first to admit that there is too much insincerity even among the members of our church board. I know this patriotism thing, too, can be over the top. I mean, listening to some people, you’d think Jesus Christ had been a marine serving in Iraq instead of a humble man who was there for everyone in the world, especially for the poor and the sick, a man who preached a message of non violence, compassion and peace.”

“Yes, yes…”.

“I know we are influenced too much by the big bucks that support our church, including the ADL. I know we kow tow too much too the government and the likes of FEMA. Personally, I think it's a disgrace that our pastors are attending the FEMA courses on how to condition our congregation to accept martial law. But in spite of all our failures, most of us do struggle to maintain a minimum ethical standard. And now, here you are, the senior pastor, making a mockery of all our efforts..”

“No, no...”

“By visiting that male escort in secret, you are telling everyone, there is, in fact, no God worth getting to know. There is nothing greater to be hoped for in life than the lust of the flesh. You are telling them there is no thrill stronger than drugs…”

“No, no…I never meant to say that, Arlen!”

“In effect, that is what you are saying, Tim. You are saying to everyone that sex with a gay escort that you pay 250 dollars to, use and then abandon, is all the love there is in this world. You are saying to the people that the marriage between a man and a woman and the care of children is nothing but a hollow façade, not worthy of your commitment. You would much rather have the thrills of sex and drugs with an escort than family life. That is the message you are sending out by your actions...”

“I never thought… …” Tim began but Arlen cut in.

“I know you never thought, Tim! That doesn't excuse you. You are as mindless as you are banal. Your lack of development is your responsibility. You should have taken responsibility. You should have made a conscious choice to think other, more wholesome thoughts that benefitted your family and your community. You could have risen above your own selfish desire for pleasure and used your time and energy to try to liberate others from their suffering as a man of God is supposed to do.”

“I feel so ashamed….”

“Sure, sure… Well, I think you just feel ashamed because now you’ve been caught red-handed! If you’d only owned up. That would have been something.”

“I just couldn’t stop myself, Arlen. I felt so empty, so down. I craved something…” Tim’s lips quivered. “I craved love, and it seemed like love at the time. I didn’t want to hurt my family. I’d been struggling with this desire for men for years. But it just got out of control. I knew it was the wrong. I tried to fight it. But leading this double life without any love became too much for me. I craved love….”

“Oh, yeah? And what about God? Did you think of turning to him for love. Don’t you believe in him then? Seems to me you just wanted to have it all your own way. You wanted the reputation, prestige and salary that comes with being a senior pastor of a big born-again Christian church. You wanted the adulation and admiration. You wanted to make out you were as pure as the driven snow; but you also wanted to indulge your fantasies. You are without integrity. We have no choice now but to relieve you of your leadership of the church.”

“The leadership?”.

“You cannot take charge of yourself, let alone lead others…”

“But…..”

“Your unwholesome patterns of thought and resulting selfish actions, you will only continue to cause harm to others. Many people who come to the church are vulnerable. I don’t want to think about the number of young men we have here who come from broken families and who are looking for a strong father figure…”

“I know, I know.”

“I can't allow them to they come to church to find examples of strong, upright, responsible men only to fall under the influence of someone who has fantasies about orgies with five young college boy…”

“I'm so sorry,” Tim stammered, lifting his trembling fingers to smooth down his wet hair.

"No, I don't think you are, Tim. That's the problem! Like I said, it really looks like you would have gone on as long as you could have gotten away with it. I can't tell you how disappointed I am. You were like a brother to me, Tim. And you lied to me, too!"

“I know.”

“If you had only told me, I would have helped you.”

“I wish I had,” Tim said, his eyes brimming with tears. “I felt so empty. I needed to find real love, find out who I really was. I can’t explain, Arlen. I felt so depressed. I felt so dead...I was looking for a purpose...”

“It’s fine to set out on a voyage of self discovery as long as you tell everyone about it!” boomed Arlen. “As for how dead you felt, I can only say the spirit of the Almighty Lord is always living. Don’t you believe in him? Why didn’t you pray to him?”

“God…?” Tim muttered. “I don’t know. When I pray, it doesn't work….I’m sorry….”

“So am I, Tim. The trouble is you’re too much of a smart ass, if you ask me. That’s what happens when someone has lots of brains and not enough heart!” Arlen thundered and put down the phone.

Tim sat down on a chair. He buried his face in his hands.

The phone started ringing again. He didn’t answer, sick.